Saturday, July 16, 2005

What is the right age to get married?

Another departure from choir news/facts with a message or two to all of my students in their late teens or early twenties contemplating huge decisions.

Because I love you guys and want you to hear wisdom and truth.

From here.

Not long ago, a young couple named David and Cassandra came to see me for premarital counseling. As these fresh-faced lovers sat down on the couch at our first session, they gazed at each other with puppy eyes and sat so close I thought one might end up on the other's lap. "Dr. Warren," David said, "we're here because we've announced our engagement -and our parents think we're too young to get married." They gave each other syrupy smiles and squeezed each other tightly. "Well, how old are you?" I asked. "I'm twenty," he said, "and Cassandra is eighteen." "But why does age really matter anyway?" Cassandra chimed in. "We love each other, and we're right for each other. Everything in our hearts tells us we should be together."

We talked a while, and I remained as open-minded as possible. After all, occasionally even eighteen-year-olds can be surprisingly mature. But the truth became clear when I asked some specific questions, such as how David envisioned his life in ten years. "I've always been good at art," he replied, "so I'll probably end up in the art field somewhere. But I'm not really sure what I'll choose to do for a career or where we might live or any of that. All I know is that if Cassandra and I are together, we'll be fine. We can make it through anything."

I was beginning to suspect this relationship was long on fantasy and short on reality. So I asked them both to describe themselves, their strengths and weakness, their personalities, their style of communication, and I received more vague responses. They fumbled for answers and always returned to their "love-will-see-us-through" theme. Finally I said to them, "Look, as a psychologist I try to tell the truth as clearly as I know how, and the truth is this: All those warm, tender feelings you have for each other are important and necessary for marriage. But it's even more important for you to know who you are as individuals, to be clear about where you want to go in life before you make a commitment as critical and all-encompassing as marriage."

Naturally, my truth-telling didn't sit well with these starry-eyed lovers. But I had to give it to them straight. The fact is, whenever a couple in their early twenties or younger comes to me and declares their plans to marry, a neon sign in my mind flashes Danger! I know the divorce rate for couples under twenty is incredibly high (between 80 and 85%). Social scientists have found that people who marry young are seldom prepared for marital roles.

So how old should two people be when they marry? That depends on many factors-maturity level, ability to earn a living, progress in education, and so on. But we can say for sure that, statistically, marriages seem to be much more stable when they begin no earlier than the mid-twenties. As a matter of fact, a recent study indicates that the most stable marriages of all have a "starting date" of twenty-eight years of age. In their book, Marriage and the Family, researchers Marcia and Tom Lasswell conclude: "Divorce rates are lowest for men and women who marry for the first time at age 28 or later. The chances for a stable marriage increase as both partners reach the age of 30 and then the rates level off."

At the heart of the issue is this: Young people can't select a marriage partner effectively if they don't know themselves well. Until they can identify themselves in a precise and detailed way, they are in no position to identify the person to move through life with them. In our culture, the identifying process usually requires most of the first twenty-five to twenty-eight years of life. Identity formation is incomplete until individuals have emotionally separated from their parents and discovered the details of their own uniqueness. Prior to their mid-twenties, most young adults haven't defined their goals and needs. They haven't had time to learn to be independent. They haven't yet "grown into themselves." They simply need more life experience.


Nick said...

Great that I look back I could not agree more about maturity and goals being a huge have to know what you want because its 50/50 not...oh i want what he/she $.02

delia said...

i also would have to agree...i was 19 when nick and i got engaged, and there is no way that i ever thought i could have grown and learned so much about myself as i have in theses past 3 years at uab...if it is meant to be, then it will last through anything, including waiting (and long distances)...that is just what i have learned...

CarolineLSpears said...

I got married when I was 21, which was a very interesting age and time in my (short)life. I have learned a lot about myself and about life. I can honestly say that I didn't plan my life out this way. Everything that has happened in the past 5 years or so have all happened in the wrong order, according to my life plan when I was 19. But I have no regrets and I feel very strongly that I have a great marriage (all two years of experience!) That was a great article; very true and honest. I think I grew up early on in life when my dad got sick; I HAD to, y'know?
Just wanted to put in a word on this subject of marriage and say 'hi!' By the way, your girls are beautiful!